Sticks and Stones can be used to build a boundary...

photography and accessories by sweetmango

Dear Sweetmango, I am having a problem with a colleague at work and the only way of dealing with her, I feel, is to close myself off a bit. I have felt quite bullied by her for a number of months. This strategy seems to be working but I wonder if there are..... (formspring cut the question off at this point for some reason)

First of all I apologize for taking so long to reply.  

I think that sometimes when we are confronted as an adult by someone who is treating us in an inappropriate manner we can sometimes slip back into the mindset of a young person at school.  I think that especially if you are female and you have a kind and accepting disposition, if you were brought up to say Yes and to do as you were asked then it is even more likely that being confronted by another who is treating us inappropriately in any manner is likely to be more confronting than it should be.  Women in general, are the carers, the nurturers, in general we aim to please, to comfort and to please or appease.  (Now when I say women, I mean that the majority of the time this is a common trait inherent in women, that does not include all women and it does not exclude men). Somewhere along the way it became instilled in us that saying No was rude or impolite.  

Even Buddhists are allowed to set BOUNDARIES.  Unconditional compassionate love as is spoken about in Buddhism does not mean that you have to allow someone to be rude to you or allow someone to bully you.  Unconditional compassionate love means that even when someone is bullying you, you still have the ability to look within their heart and see that this behavior is a product of mistreatment of some kind that existed in their past.  This mistreatment may have existed in many forms, physical, verbal, being ignored, unloved, their are a myriad of forms that could explain the roots of this aggressive behavior, it could even be a learned pattern based on how their own parents or siblings treated them.  Bullying is aggressive, aggression is a form of anger and all anger is just a reaction to a deeper unexplored and unhealed emotion.  Anger is NOT an emotion it is merely a REACTION based upon another emotion.... fear, sadness, jealousy.  Bullying is a power play that is undertaken by people who feel that they have no control in their own lives.  These people when they bully are applying a control factor in their daily life that is non existent in the areas that they wish they had control over, eg: finances, personal relationships.  Unconditional Compassionate Love is the ability to look within and see that the behavior is not THEM it is a reflection of past treatment and/or current circumstances.  So bearing in mind that this is a learned behavior that is reflecting current circumstances it is therefore important to understand that in order to halt the bullying directed at you you need to 'help' them 'unlearn' this behavior.  

You need to set boundaries.   

Has it ever occurred to you that this person is in your life at this point in time to teach YOU! Perhaps they are present to teach you how to set boundaries around yourself, so that you are not only protected but to show yourself that you are WORTHY of RESPECT.... your  own respect and the respect of others? What a great opportunity you have to apply the lesson that your bully (teacher) is offering you. You need to regain and reassert your right to respectful interactions, you need to set some boundaries.

Is the bullying occurring in private? By that I mean do they make comments or remarks that no one else but you can hear? If this is the case then you need to make it public....bring them out into the open.  If it is a whispered comment then repeat it back to them OUT LOUD....eg: "I'm sorry, did you just say that I.... / did you just call me a....." you then need to immediately follow this up, by looking them directly in the eye and saying...."(insert name) I need to make something very clear to you.  This behavior, the way you talk to me, I will no longer tolerate it. If you are not able to speak to me with respect then you need to stay away from me and not speak to me at all.  I want you to understand this very clearly, your behavior is not appropriate."

   I know that this will make you feel uncomfortable at the thought of it but remember even as the bullying behavior is a learned behavior so is your response, you have learned how to be submissive to some extent to this behavior, so now it is time to learn how to be self respectful by practicing how to say NO and that is literally what you should do...PRACTICE. Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying this, over and over until it is second nature for you to say it, until you actually feel powerful when you say it, it wont take long. If you do this, then when it comes time to stand in front of your tormentor you will be able to say this with much conviction. 

If you are still harassed, AFTER, you have in no uncertain terms informed the bully that this behavior is no longer acceptable, then you need to document in a diary the dates, times and patterns of bullying that occur and then take this to a superior, you need to do this to show yourself that you respect yourself even when someone else doesn't, you need to do this because you are most probably not their only target. You need to do this because you are a kind and gentle person and some people will take advantage of you unless you stand up for your own rights.   

Please do not allow a bully to dictate your days.  You are worthy of respect by all of those around you and by yourself.  You can face aggression from a peaceful, loving and compassionate stance, you can face aggression with a smile and with love and you can overcome the patterned behavior of another persons inability to care for anyone including themselves.  When you feel like you cant, just look to Gandhi, think about all he did to his aggressors in order to respect himself and to assist his country men and women in gaining their own self respect.  He did it with a smile, from a place of love, and through a path of peaceful justice.

I send you much love and strength. I believe in you very much and I respect you very much.

Please learn to set your boundaries because the irony is that in setting a boundary you will in actual fact set yourself free.

Namaste