and so I will give of myself

December is and would appear to continue to be my hardest month this year.

December has grabbed me by the throat, lifted me off the ground and is shaking me so hard that my bones hurt.

At the start of 2009 I started my journey as a single mum with 3 young children.  My eldest son is at primary school and the twins are still at home and will be through 2010.  i also have 2 dogs and 3 rescued cats. So all in all I am now responsible for the heath and well being of 8 little souls.  Oh and I sponsor a little boy and a chimpanzee in Africa.

Throughout the year my journey has been, like all years, intermixed with the good the bad and the ugly, only this year there was way too much ugly, a lot of sad, bad and mad and the good when it did shine through was so very welcome in what has been a tumultuous year.  I am someone who usually never has a nightmare or even an inkling of a bad dream, this year I have dreamed far too many nightmares so that my last place of true rest has been reduced to a lottery, will or wont I get some restful sleep tonight, the fact that I do not sleep even close to a healthy amount each night is irrelevant when the little i do get is often so fraught with fear.

I have had people look upon me with emapthy, sympathy, understanding and kindness this year as they listened or told their own version of my story.  I have had people look at me with disdain, disgust and uncomprehension as they argued my own choices and placed their values upon my head.  I have lost and won the respect of people close to me and some not even close to me as they weighed up my choices and passed judgement on my actions.  I have stood silently in the face of wrath and judgement and sometimes after listening to the tirades I have dropped to my knees and sobbed in private.  I have felt completely isolated as I gained the true understanding and value of family and extended family when one is in crises, I do not live in the same country as my family, if I did I think it would have been a very different year.  I have had complete strangers and friends I have never met, reach out and catch me as I am falling.  I have listened as someone to whom I was close, stood inches from me and in their sadness and pain and loss, they threatened on several different occasions to take my life, even told me how they would do it, and so began the nightmares I spoke of earlier.

I have found love, a love like I have never felt before, a love that brings me to my knees in thanks.  I asked the universe, my god, to show me who i am, because I had forgotten and I have been receiving what i asked, I just never anticipated the intensity of the lessons.  In order to remember who I am I need to be stripped bare, naked to my core so that it is only my soul that is left and it would appear the more i try to cover myself, the harder the lessons become.  But I have begun to see me, a little light is starting to appear through the cracks and I am having memories of who I really am.

So comes the end of the year, I knew in 2008 that 2009 would be tough, I don't know how I knew that, but I did, I also knew that 2010 would be good, really good and I still believe it will be.  I know two things for sure about life, Nothing is permanent and for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  So here I am  in the last month of December and it is the hardest month to date, but i guess that is because the last of the lessons are being crammed in before the new me gets to dip my toes into the tranquillity of 2010.  Financially I have nothing and the reality of this is stark.  Do I think it will remain this way? No I don't.  Will I ever forget what this is like? No i wont.  I dream of a financial independence where I can see someone like myself in the supermarket, read the subtle creasing of the forehead, the continuous glancing from the running total on the cashiers screen to the remaining groceries on the conveyor belt and tell them that I understand, that I was there, and that it will change but for right now, at this moment I would like to pay for their food so that they may stress a little less today, that it is not charity, that it is merely one mum helping another mum because I have been there and I understand that it is no fault of your own.  That is what i want out of my life, I want to help all around me, i dream of sponsoring not just a child but a whole village, not just for a year but for the rest of my life.

Why am I writing all of this today? Because today I have felt really lost, my knees are buckling under the pressure of both known and unknown sadness and fear and in an effort to pick myself up I came across some sayings that are meant to be uplifting and when life is going along pretty nicely, those sayings just happen to hang lovely in the air, they dance in the breeze, however when life is tough they dont hang so much as crash to the ground and mock you.......

choose happiness, laugh often, inspire change, embrace change, live courageously, chase dreams, today matters

except for one of them, it shone out at me so brightly that everything else paled in comparison, I mean that, it really really really stood out from the crowd for me......

practice kindness

and that my friends is what keeps me sane, what keeps me going it is this which keeps a light burning, a guide for my naked shattered self to walk towards and it would appear that the closer to selfless kindness one gets the more our true self is revealed.  For it is when we remove ourselves from the center of the universe and instead place another there that we are able to fully understand comapssionate kindness and unconditional loving.

So for now, I need to get up off my knees, again, and this time I am going to get through this month by doing random acts of kindness, which I do anyway, but I am going to mindfully focus on them, each act will be a stepping stone to get me to the other side.  Each act will be an ablution, a prayer, an offering of myself to the greater good of all.  Whether it is a word, a gesture even a smile or an actual gift it is irrelevant, what matters is that we take notice of those around us, really look at them and when we do we need to leave all judgement behind. Unfortunately this is something that we need to practice, non judgement, but what better time of the year than right now to begin our practice of non judgement and unconditional giving.  So that is how I am going to spend the rest of my year and it will be the precedent to the beginning of next year.

Anyone care to join me?

xxsm


Today my prayers and love are for Jake, may your journey home be swift and light, I know you will be greeted with laughter and much love, for who could not but miss a soul with such laughter as yours?  You live on in the hearts and smiles of so many down here, all of whom eagerly await the day they see you again. 
“Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings.“ Victor Hugo
My thoughts, prayers and LOVE are with Jakes family and his friends who will be feeling a gaping hole without his immediate presence, when that wound hurts so deeply that you can hardly breath, remember that it is through this very same hole that you will hear once again his laughter, it is the connection you have to where he now shines brightest.  
I love you so very much Stellan.