I Wear the Robes....

One day I was in LAX (Los Angeles International Airport) and a Tibetan monk walked in and sat down beside me.

You know those moments when everything slows down, as though you just slipped out of the reality that exists at that moment. You are able to just sit there while the world carries on at a very slow pace....well that is what happened, this monk sat down beside me and the world around me...crawled at a slow almost imperceptible pace, it was quiet, it was calm and I knew there and then that two paths lay in front of me. I was 24. At that moment my heart was offered two choices and told that it had to choose. I could step away from the existence of everything I knew and retreat, to wear robes, shave my head and devote this journey to spirituality.....or.....I could stay immersed in the reality around me and teach as many as possible how to BE, including teaching my own children.

Then the monk stood up, turned and smiled at me, the most beautiful smile that slid inside my heart and touched my soul, he bowed slightly over his clasped hands, smiled once more and walked away into the crowd of the reality that teemed all around me.

and I stood there....

and I cried very silently, very quietly, very politely.

I wanted to put on the robes, never again have to think about what I was wearing, I wanted to shave my head and never have a bad hair day again, I wanted to remove myself from the noise and the pointless conversations and gossip and extremes that surrounded me, I wanted the simple monastic life so that I could focus on my inside instead of the outside.

I spent a year travelling and always it was on my mind, these two choices.

I never made up my mind really. You see I began to hear my children, yes that's right, before they were born, I mean 2 or 3 years before they were born I began to hear them, I could describe exactly what they looked like, mannerisms etc. I have friends who, to this day, can't believe how I used to describe them and how all of them are what I saw.

That is why I am here where I am right now, because I heard voices calling me up one of the paths and I knew I had to go to them, teach them so that they can teach others.

They chose me.

There are still times when I wish I could put on the robes, shave my hair, and walk out the door and join my brothers. This reality just seems so noisy in so many ways. I find it hard to think, but maybe that is the beauty of this challenge, rising above all of the noise means I have to lift myself to great heights and from there I can see so differently and it gives me such clear answers sometimes. There are many times when I think my "monastic" training as a mother really is a much harder task than my brothers are facing. I have to find little pockets of time to meditate...sitting cross legged on the floor in silent contemplation is a luxury I can ill afford. I meditate, while driving, while hanging out the washing, doing dishes, vacuuming. Through sheer will power and practice I have learnt to enter a deeply meditative state in seconds because I usually only have minutes of un-interrupted time. We find pockets of time to do what we need to stay sane and to follow the truths within our heart.

I have friends who know about the monk who say to me, "Oh but it would have been such a hard life to live, you have to give up so much". I giggle, (sleep deprived people giggle, they don't laugh :) I think to myself, this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I have done a lot. I take my role as a mother very seriously, which isn't to be confused with being a serious mother, which I most certainly am not. But I do however take the role very seriously, I have been given into my care 3 sentient beings who against all the bombardment of society I must protect, nurture and teach so that they may sow the seeds of love all around them. I have to make sure they respect and love themselves and those around them, I have to teach them that what other people think, say or do is not important, even when it hurts them emotionally or physically. I have to teach them that it is all about who they are and what they do that really matters.

I have these 3 distinctly different little people who require 3 different types of love and teaching. It is the most full on, engaging, un-relenting task I have ever undertaken. There are days it overwhelms me and I want to put on the robes, shave the head and walk out the door....but I can't do that now can I? LOL, I made my choice, or even as I said earlier, it was made for me....there is a reason why this is what it is...and that is because I need the lessons my children are giving me. The biggest thing my children are teaching me is patience. What a gift. The twins especially taught me patience, you can't have twins and survive without patience. Patience is your life raft, the rope thrown to a drowning woman. My eldest son teaches me humbleness, he humbles me on a regular basis. My eldest son, sometimes I feel like I know what it must be like to be the mother of the Dalai Lama or some other equivalent. When he was about to turn 3, we were standing beside the letterbox about to get into the car. He stood there staring at the ground for ages, I called his name but I knew he couldn't hear me, he was not in this reality at that moment. Finally, slowly he turned his head and looked at me and said,

"Mummy do you think God gave us our shadows as a reflection of our soul so that we will always know that we are never alone."

I kid you not.

What do you say? I don't know. But I do know that this child makes me humble, that he says these things and my heart is squeezed with the knowledge that somehow this world will be ok, because him and others like him are amongst us and will make great changes.

This is a great responsibility, parenting a child. It is underestimated, it is put to one side too often so that parents 'can have a life too'. But it is a short time we have to teach them all they need so that they can go and stare life in the eye and say "I will not be swayed by negative or evil influence".

Teaching them how to Laugh, Love and Live, and find their own paths in this life.

So maybe, just maybe I am wearing my robes after all, and although my hair appears long when you look at me, maybe just maybe when you look into my soul you will see that my hair is shaved and that I am getting up now and smiling at you, bowing to you over my joined hands; acknowledging the god that is within you as I walk away to hang out another load of washing.

Namaste.

sm