Storms of varying kinds...

moonscape

photography by sweetmango

White Wind

on the wild nights
the restless calling
of the barren plains
and snow capped mountains
when the billowing, bulging
grey columns form in the skies
to the west
and water turns to ice
and hurls itself on a suicide mission
to the earths surface
and your breath rattles in your ribcage
searing your lungs with icy fire
when the moon is shrouded
and cowers behind the darkened mane
of the storm clouds brewing
then I shall come
across and over, in between and around
whistling and roaring
icy cold blasts cutting a swath
of destruction and creation
i am the white wind
of winter deep
that howls at the cavern door
scattering the rags that still dress the trees


By sweetmango








We are sitting here waiting for a storm, a big storm to come through where I live...
meanwhile....

my 'little' brother the cop

Over in New Zealand, my home country, they have had an earthquake tear apart Chistchurch where my bother is a NZ Police Sergeant.  He was on night shift when the earthquake struck, a magnitude 7.2.  He was actually in his patrol car and in active pursuit of a suspect at high speed when the earthquake struck, he said that suddenly the road was moving violently up and down and side to side and continued to do so for over a minute.  He immediately called in an extra 100 staff for his station alone to deal with aftermath.  The damage is extensive and widespread, so far injuries to people are minor with only two people at this stage in the Intensive Care Unit due to actual earthquake related accidents.
So prayers for my Whānau  in New Zealand (Native Maori language for family and extended family, which in my case means everyone in the country) 


By the way, the photo above of my brother was one from the news a year or two ago, when he was surrounded by 100's of 'hoon' drivers and set upon while in his patrol car, they jumped the car, bombarded him with bottles and various projectiles and shot at his head three times, missing each time.  He escaped and the laws were changed as a result of the assault.  He was back on duty as normal the next day.  He was also recently in the news for apprehending another criminal who in the process stabbed my brother 11 times, 9 superficial stab wounds to his extremities and 2 stab wounds over the heart that would have killed him had he not been wearing his stab proof vest.  The violence of the stabbing was evident in the fact that the two stab wounds over the chest actually penetrated the 'stab proof vest' and entered his chest.  There are dozens of stories like that about my brother who has now received many awards and commendations.  He follows in the footsteps of my Father and Mother who were both police officers (my mother is also a part of history as being in the first 100 female police officers in New Zealand) and another two of my brothers who also served in the force.


Hope you are all safe in your parts of the world.
xxsm

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Freedom

sweetmango

a.k.a Michelle

40 year old single mother of 3

a.k.a. Freedom Fighter

I have been crazy busy lately.  I am studying from first thing in the morning until past midnight each night and it will stay this way for another couple of months and then hopefully I will get a break right through until the twins start school next year in February.  I wont know myself when I get to study all day long and have the whole evening free.  As it stands I am burning the candle at both ends and in the middle!!
I am also in the middle of several design projects and somewhere along the line my desk has overflowed with study materials and so my dining room table has now been taken over by art projects and various decor and home items that are in the process of being made for sale in my shop which I am also planning on re-opening again in the next month.
Yes I am tired but I am still smiling. Its funny, I have a people say to me that they think I am doing too much, which makes me laugh! Yes I will laugh at everything life throws at me, don't get me wrong, I can have moments where I stumble, where I fairly stagger under the weight of the onslaught that life can throw at me, only....  I don't really see it as an onslaught for very long, I see it more as a challenge and therefore an opportunity.  So I smile and accept the challenges and I put my head down and keep going.  Even when things start unravelling at the seams, I don't stop, I just change the way I am approaching it and come in from a different angle.
"Inaction causes us to be paralysed by fear"
I remind myself that it doesn't matter if I fall down 7 times....just so long as I get up again 8 times.
So, I am studying, creating, and doing very fun things with my kids.
I am doing too much and I am exhausted but sometimes the curve balls mean that we have no option but to pull out all the stops to reach a destination.
When I separated from the children's father I had to make a deal with him that would allow me to leave the area with the kids so that I could live where ever I wanted to in Australia to pursue work and education opportunities.  I have lived in this town for 6 years and we only ever moved here so that he could attend University to get his degree.  It is an area close to where he grew up, it is inland, it is 3 hours from his parents.  I grew up in another country, I have no family here and I have always lived near the beach (which all you long time readers know that I miss desperately!) so for me to stay here is torture.  So, in order to gain my freedom and not drag the kids through the courts potentially fighting a court order to stay within a 20 min radius of this town I had to bargain.
I brought freedom for my children and I (the kids also wish to live near the beach).  I brought freedom by offering to give up all child support payments from August next year, 2 months before I complete my study.  I have given up all child support payments for the rest of the children's lives and signed a deal that said I would not claim any other form of financial support from him for any reason whatsoever, that I will financially support the children for the rest of their lives.  I also gave up the large car, a fully paid 2007 seven seater car that I could easily fit my three kids, two dogs and two cats plus luggage and instead took the 2001 two door hatchback that I can only just put the two car seats for the twins into the back with my son in the front. We cant even fit the kids school bags into the car and I now have to shop for groceries twice a week because I cant fit all the grocery bags in.  This car is tiny, I am actually scared when I drive it on the roads because it is so small compared to the other cars, 4WD  and trucks on the roads.  I did this because he refused to budge on the car. There was no way he was going to give it to me and one thing I have learnt is that if two people want the same thing and they fight for it, in the end there will be nothing left to fight for.
It takes a greater person to respond to anger with love than anger - The Dalai Lama
The number of people who freak out when they hear about the contract that I signed is amazing.  I spent 10 years with this person.  He even admitted that he would not have the relationship with his parents that he has if it wasn't for me.  He admitted that he would not have his teaching degree if it wasn't for me and he certainly wouldn't have the kids if it wasn't for me.  But when I told him I wanted to move he baulked, he wasn't going to let me and then I offered to give him back his child support payments and he agreed, with conditions, but he agreed.
I brought my freedom. I paid for the freedom to take my kids to live a coastal lifestyle, a lifestyle that we had always agreed we wanted them to have. I have paid for the opportunity to pursue my dream career and study aspects of that career at any institution in Australia (just like he was able to freely choose where to study his degree and I am unable to study the design degree that I want at the Universities here in this town).
I brought my freedom and it comes at a big price, I will be able to move anywhere I want in Australia, but I will never be able to live in my own country, New Zealand.  My mother is 73, I cannot move home to help her.  She has had eye surgery to halt the process of going blind but her eyesight is deteriorating rapidly, she requires further surgeries to slow the process, but she is losing her sight.  She has recently told me that she is struggling to be on her own.  I cant leave the country with the kids therefore I cant help her.  Should his parents need help he is free to help them.  Yes, my 'freedom' has come at a great cost.
I love what I am studying and I think that I am really good at it, my scores on my assignments reflect this also.  I feel the stress of supporting three children, two dogs and two cats plus the child I sponsor.  Unlike my ex who had his university fees paid by the government and he only pays them back interest free at a minimum rate through his taxes - I am paying my private school fees month by month in full.  Is it hard? It is staggeringly hard? Hell yes! Am I scared? Yes.  Do I think I can do it? ABSOLUTELY.
Self confidence of the warrior is not the self confidence of the average man.  Average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence
I am proud of what I am doing.  Not in a narcissistic way, but genuinely proud.  I have walked away from a relationship that wasn't working.  I stood in silence when I was threatened and verbally abused, I never said a bad word back to him.
The troublemakers in our lives harm themselves but benefit us by provoking us to practice patience - Pema Chodron
  I have taken on the financial responsibility of three kids, two dogs and two cats without skipping a beat.  I am studying full-time and paying all the fees myself. I am worn out, but I am happy.  I am clawing my way to financial freedom one assignment at a time. My kids are happy and loved and I make sure that I am fully involved in their lives.
The mightiest oak was once a little nut that held its ground
Why am I telling you all this? Because I think that sometimes people who read my blog think that I have it easy, that I write what I write because my life isn't too difficult. I am telling you this to show you that just like you I have my hurdles.  But who I am on here, how I write on here, it is an honest portrayal of my life and how I face it, how I get up when I am knocked down.  I am just like all of you, there are days when the tears come and I feel so isolated with no family, with no support but I wipe the tears away and I find a way to solve the latest problem.  That is who I am.  What I write on here is what I have learnt in my latest lesson from life.  If you read back over my blog you will begin to see that more clearly.  I am sharing with you all what I have found useful in my journey through my life in the hope that someone else may benefit too.
Hear less from your fears and more from your hopes
That is who I have always been.  I do not give up. I do not give up on me, on my life, on other people.  I am a fighter who has learnt the art of flowing with the river of life.  I don't fight the current, I just fight for what I believe in.  I have spent my life fighting for others, this is the first time that I have truly had to fight for myself and the life that I want to build for my kids.
Whatever is going on in your life, whatever it is, we are all the same. The key is this....keep getting up one more time than you fall..... just one more time.
Your antidote to fear is courage - Practice it daily
Never lose sight of what you are aiming for and when you reach it, create another goal and then reach it.  Our lives are enriched by purpose.  Align your purpose with the things that make you smile and you will have a happy life, even if you haven't reached the goal yet, you will find happiness in the pursuit.

namaste
xxm

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and what if...

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Pondering...

"Her"

gouache on arhes watercolor paper

by sweetmango

Who I am has nothing to do with what I'm doing.

What I'm doing has everything to do with who I am.

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